What I Am

It was such a powerful visual metaphor for what I want, and what I am. A clean sanitized structured environment with a simple task. With goals. With targets, and I’m good at it. It’s precise, and quantifiable, but there’s an element of feeling to it. You get better with time. You can’t ever be wrong about how you feel, but you can always get better at feeling. Ostensibly, I had something on the outside, before, before on the outside. I had something back then and, if I stop to think about it, I can recover how it felt to have it, but no much beyond that.

Something I observed briefly during my last session resonated with me. We’re supposed to log an entry when that happens. And if the rules didn’t say we had too, I’d write about it anyways, so I won’t forget. A series of events took place in quite a compelling fasion even the sad parts made me feel connected in someway to the whole of it. On my break, I missed it. I missed being there with those few people who I thought I shared something with.

I kept thinking about it. Back on shift, I returned to the same place. But it looked very different, I almost though I’d day dreamed the whole thing. Before rewinding, I decided to search at the current time for other similar instances. Unsuprizingly, a lot were found. For any, event one could always find a nearly endless occurance of similar situations happening all over at the same time. What I didn’t expect were that all these occurances we’re exactly identical.

Moment to moment the same series of events played out in the same way without any difference in quite a large number of different locations. I hadn’t seen this before. It seems this loop of events was something that had been recorded and was being observed. I’d have to look further into who was observing it, but there was at least one parallel here. In the same way that I observed the system, elements of the system observed itself.

That was somewhat revelatory to me at the time. One part of me was determined, focused, content, and the other part was lost, lonely, and confused. It certianly was an important foundation… being observed that is.